My Pregnancy Journey: Finding Out I Was Pregnant On My Son’s First Birthday + First Trimester [with my #2]

April 18, 2023. Noah’s first birthday! We had planned a day of “Noah’s favorite things” — blueberry pancakes, park date, play at the beach, kettlebell workout, + of course lots of [attempted] cuddles. What I did not expect to be a part of “Noah’s favorite things” is getting a baby BROTHER. Quite possibly the best birthday gift I could have ever given him? lol.

Let’s back up a bit. Call me crazy, but I wanted to be pregnant again *as soon as* Noah came into the world. I had the most incredible birth experience [read: Positive Home Birth Story: The Birth Of Noah Sol], + couldn’t wait to birth another baby again. That, paired with the feeling of nostalgia of Noah getting older… I was “missing the baby stage” while having a baby.

I started taking pregnancy tests at 4 months + genuinely thought I was pregnant multiple times. My period hadn’t come back yet because I was exclusively breastfeeding, so everything felt a little mysterious. When my period finally came back at 11 months — I had a huge emotional release. I felt excited, scared, not ready, ready… just a lot of swirling feelings. It felt a lot more “real” that it was actually a possibility that we could conceive [even though I know it’s possible to conceive before you get your first period back!].

Surprisingly, as soon as it became more “real” at 11 months, my desire to be pregnant again shifted drastically. OF COURSE, I wanted to have more kids eventually, but I recognized how much I loved this stage of the 3 of us, + I wanted to hold onto it a little longer. I also stopped feeling nostalgic about Noah growing up, + instead — felt really present in this chapter that we were in. Also, I’m not going to lie… things started feeling really hard! Everyone talks about it “getting easier” [with a baby] — but I felt like things were getting harder as Noah was approaching one year old. We were in hard phase of teething, little sleep, screaming, + lots of energy. I also internally felt a shift to “find myself again” — I had been in a motherhood cocoon for so, so long, giving my everything to Noah… I felt excited to give myself space + love: go on a solo trip, date Isaac again, find a yoga studio I loved, + make friends in Santa Monica.

Isaac + I had always imagined having kids relatively close in age. Him + his sisters are all 2 years apart, + they grew up being such good friends. We had a conversation about when to start “trying,” + while both of us said that we were open, we wanted to have a larger conversation about a few other things before deciding on the *when.* In my mind, I was thinking when Noah was 1.5–2 years old. Definitely AT LEAST, until after summer because we had a lot of fun travel plans + I remembered how hard first trimester was last time [spoiler alert: first trimester was even harder this time around]. I tracked my period that month + paid attention to when I was ovulating to make sure we weren’t having sex during that time.

For those few days of ovulation, while we didn’t have sex, I felt such a strong presence to a little spirit baby girl. Crazy enough — I felt such a strong pull to a spirit baby girl before Noah was conceived… but then pretty soon after conceiving Noah, I was like… nope, this is a boy.

One or two days into my luteal phase, it was our last day in Byron Bay [one of our favorite places in the world] + I remember thinking, well… this would be an amazing place to conceive. However, I knew that we were outside the ovulation window, so I was like — it most likely won’t happen. I asked Isaac if he thought we should try + he was like — why not. Lying in bed afterwards, Isaac asked: “Do you think this was it?” + I said: “I don’t know.” With Noah, it was so obvious immediately after conceiving that I was pregnant. I just knew it in my bones. This time around, I didn’t get “that feeling” at all. In the moment, or even days/weeks later. I genuinely didn’t even think about it, because I totally wrote it off.

Fast forward a month later — it was around the time I was supposed to get my second period postpartum. Pre-pregnancy I always had a very regular 30 day cycle. So when 32 days rolled around, I was like hmm… I guess I should take a pregnancy test? I took a pregnancy test, + as expected — it was negative. 37 days passed, + I still hadn’t gotten my period. I texted my friends who have babies similar to Noah’s age about their periods postpartum… both of them assured me that longer cycles were totally normal + that sometimes they would even miss a period if they breastfeed a lot that month. I was still nursing, so that made a lot of sense.

It was the day before Noah’s first birthday, + Isaac + I recorded a podcast on our first year of parenthood. We talked about our lessons + learnings from the first year, as well as our excitement for this “new chapter” we were entering. We no longer felt like “new parents” anymore + we were excited to start prioritizing each other — I was ready to date Isaac again! We also talked about what we wanted our careers to look/feel like, as well as solo adventures, travel plans, our parenthood flow, etc. It felt very exciting + special. Well… “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him about your plans.”

The next day, Noah’s 1st birthday, started out exactly as expected — we were ready for a day of adventure + soaking in this beautiful milestone. As the late afternoon rolled around, Isaac went on a walk, while I hung out with Noah in our apartment. Somehow taking another pregnancy test popped into my mind. It had been 38 days since my last period, + even though I was sure that I wasn’t pregnant… I sat on the toilet + peed on the stick. Two dark red lines instantly appeared. I couldn’t believe it. I remember just looking at it, so shocked. Soon after, tears streamed down my face + I ran to grab Noah to hold him tight. I hugged him + said over + over again, “I’m not ready, I’m not ready.” There’s a video on my phone [that I still haven’t watched] that documents this moment. As soon as Isaac got home from his walk, + I hugged him + burst into tears again. “I’m pregnant,” I cried. “That’s amazing!” He was so happy. “I’m not ready to go through the transformation again.” Isaac’s happiness turned into empathy as I shared with him why I felt scared.

Becoming a mother has been an such a catalyst for growth, an overflow of love, + truly has given my life so much depth + meaning — not to mention seeing Noah smiling back at me every day is the best gift I could ever ask for. But, the sheer amount of change: physically, mentally, emotionally, hormonally, + socially that were experienced as I brought a human being into the world + navigated what motherhood meant to me… it was a lot. It’s life-altering in every way. The way I tried to describe it to him — I felt like at the 1 year mark of motherhood, I had finally moved through this massive “transformation tunnel” + was barely emerging out of it… before being thrown back into the tunnel again.

Isaac held me in his arms while I shared all of this with him. Even though I was scared + felt “not ready,” I also felt so much gratitude for this little being who chose us as parents + I knew in my heart that this was all happening at the perfect, divine time. I reminded myself that 9 months is the perfect amount of time to feel all the feelings + ultimately be ready + excited to give birth again. This baby clearly wanted to come through, + I had to TRUST. Well, now writing this at 37 weeks pregnant, + I can say with full confidence: He is coming at the perfect time. While I still have some grief surrounding the end of this chapter as a family of 3 [which I think is very normal — regardless of how far apart the kids are in age!], there’s even more excitement around becoming a family of 4 + on the precipice of witnessing our family grow in a beautiful way.

First Trimester

First trimester was terrible. Like AWFUL, AWFUL, AWFUL. I thought my first trimester with Noah was bad, but this time around it was so much worse. I felt very depressed, + there were some days that I could barely get out of bed. I knew that it was temporary, but still — it felt so discouraging not feeling like myself. On top of all the hormonal changes that first trimester brings [aka — SO nauseous all day], it was also extremely gloomy in Santa Monica… we saw the sun 3x in May + June… yes, I counted. So seasonal depression really kicked in. PLUS, I decided to wean Noah after 1.5 months of finding out I was pregnant because I was so depleted + exhausted + hoped that weaning would help a bit… well, little did I know that post weaning depression is a thing — so that set it for a couple weeks, too. It was so brutal. BUT, just like with Noah, as soon as second trimester hit, I turned a corner physically [+ emotionally]. Thank goodness!

First Trimester — Physical + Emotional Changes

• Symptoms were similar to first trimester Noah — but heightened. Everyone I talked to said that first trimester was way worst with their second, so maybe this is common?
• Extremely nauseous — the nausea would come in waves + I had to make sure that there was something in my stomach at all times or else I would feel sick
• Very depressed + not myself at all… there were a few days that I couldn’t even get out of bed. The best way to describe my mood was that I just had zero zest for life — apathetic + lethargic. I would say the worst of my mood + nausea were from 5.5–10 weeks.
• Threw up 5x — finally I had a “lightbulb” moment + realized that there was a correlation between eating fruit on an empty stomach + throwing up. So I stopped eating fruit first thing in the morning, + haven’t had an issue since!
• SO HUNGRY — appetite sky rocketed [especially weeks 5–6]. Literally, woke up every morning ravenous + immediately would have to eat food. I would eat so much during the first half of the day, + then by the second half I wouldn’t be very hungry. The interesting part — food never “sounded” good… however, whenever I ate something, I typically liked it
• SO THIRSTY — I constantly felt dehyrated, even though I felt like I was drinking so much water
• Would pee at least 3x in the middle of the night
• Skin started breaking out towards the end of the first trimester [particularly around nose / mouth]… it got bad. Will talk more about it in the second trimester recap!
• Sensitive nose — changing poopy diapers was rough lol. But, I will say my sensitivity wasn’t nearly as bad as first trimester with Noah
• My body temperature fluctuated a lot. For the most part I felt really cold + wanted to be in big sweaters + blankets + slippers… but then there were times [particularly eating dinner] when I would feel SO hot
• Excess saliva in my mouth
• Shortness of breath… especially noticeable while hiking
• My milk supply dropped — ultimately, I ended up weaning Noah at the start of second trimester

Changes that happened with Noah that didn’t happen this time around: #1] My boobs never ended up hurting. They also didn’t have a massive growth at all that I experienced almost immediately upon finding outI was pregnant with Noah. This may have had to do with the fact that I was still breastfeeding during first trimester. I’m not sure! The only thing that I noticed that changed was that my nipples + areolas got bigger.

#2] I never felt constipated… instead, I felt like my bowel movements were amazing lol TMI.

#3] I didn’t feel “as” exhausted. Sure, I was tired — but not to the same extent as first trimester with Noah. I think I’m just used to sleep deprivation now? lol.

First Trimester — What Helped

• Even though I knew this season was so temporary, even moreso this time around since I was going through this a second time — I was still in a very bad mental place. I knew there were a lot of factors at play that were making my hormones all over the place, so I tried to give myself as much grace as I could to just take it easy + be kind to myself + countdown the days until second trimester!
• Laying in bed with the lights out
• Food cravings: Bread, bread, bread, + more bread. I loved bread with cottage cheese + tomato + basil… + bread with butter + tomato + garlic salt. Breakfast burritos, string cheese, Chipotle, + anything with lots of hot sauce. All the savory things [nothing sweet!].

4/24 — “You know your pregnant when you eat a cheddar + mustard + pickle sandwich for lunch” lol

• Eating every 2–3 hours helped with nausea. Also, eating literally within 5 minutes of waking up helped, too!
• HYDRATION!
• HATED coffee. The thought of it made me gag. Instead, I drank iced black tea with a little bit of lemonade… + Celsius when I really needed a pick me up. My caffeine consumption dropped drastically + I was literally going through caffeine withdrawal on top of first trimester symptoms, seasonal depression, + post-weaning depression. Yikes. However, by the end of first trimester, I ended up totally detoxing from caffeine, which was a nice perk. Until I brought it back in second trimester… lol
• Joe Dispenza mediations [+ meditations in general]
• Wore a nausea wristband… I don’t know if it really worked though
• Tried to move every other day. Even when I didn’t want to, I encourage myself to move when I feel the slightest bit “good” — mostly that looked like slow running. I was so happy that I could still run, because with Noah first trimester my growing boobs would NOT let me run — I was in so much pain!
• The days that I was able to get outside first thing in the morning + take a walk always helped my mood
• Prenatal gummies… yes, gummies lol. I like SmartyPants prenatals
• Spa treatment! I wish I did more of these— I had a gentle, pregnancy safe spa treatment towards the end of first trimester + it felt absolutely glorious
• Used social media to numb, escape, + avoid my feelings. I wanted it to distract me, although I also felt icky after I was on it. I craved watching YouTube channels or documentaries that I resonated with... I just wanted to be entertained + forget about how was physically feeling.

First Trimester Moments

#1] I swore I’d tell people earlier this time around to be able to have more support… however, when the time came — I didn’t want to tell anyone, + instead, I just wanted to process everything on my own. I also avoided talking about pregnancy with Isaac in the beginning — acting like nothing was different. He was definitely hurt + confused by it, but I just didn’t know how to cope + I started feeling mentally/physically off almost as soon as we found out. He wanted to talk to a therapist about it, but I said no. In hindsight, I should have absolutely said yes + I should have worked with a therapist individually as well. It was a rough month + a half. We did end up telling our families earlier, since we were visiting them for my sister’s graduation + I was not myself at all — which ended up feeling good to be able to share with others. Slowly, we ended up telling people when it felt right.

#2] A week or so after finding out that I was pregnant, I had a fear dream of an emergency c-section. I had an amazing home birth experience with Noah, + I had to unpack if this was an intuitive hit or if this was a fear picture. Ultimately, I think it was fear. However, I knew that I had to be open to however this baby wanted to come into the world — knowing that while it’s my journey, it’s also his journey.

#3] Speaking of gender — I had no intuition this time around! With Noah, it was so clear his gender + name immediately [literally, Week 5!]. I would say I felt 60/40 girl. Isaac was probably 60/40 boy. We found out the gender [accidentally] in second trimester… will share the story in my second trimester recap!

#4] At 8 weeks, I had my first big cry — just feeling so low + sad + sick + wanting to let everything out. Crying is so cathartic + I remember it feeling like such a release that I needed.

#5] At 9/10 weeks, we had our first home birth appointment with Abby — the midwife we worked with last time. She used her ultrasound + doppler, + while she was able to see the baby + an expanded uterus, she wasn’t able to see or hear any cardiac activity. She said I would need another ultrasound — since she only had the ability to do it trans-abdominally, rather than trans-vaginally. As expected, we left the appointment feeling very down. We tried not to jump to conclusions, but it was hard not to… that night I had a lot of fear dreams on a miscarriage, DNC procedure, surgery, etc. I woke up terrified. Thankfully, I only had 24 hours in the unknown. Dr. Phab [our back up OBGYN with Noah] came over to our apartment + was super confident that we’d see a beating heart baby… + sure enough, we did! She said the baby was perfect. I felt so relieved that everything looked good + it was another reminder for me to TRUST the process. The one thing she said that was surprising, was that based on my measurements… I was earlier than I thought. Originally, I thought my due date was December 16 [based on my last period], but she said the due date is actually CHRISTMAS!

#6] At 10 weeks, I finally found glimmers of joy again + started feeling like myself. I felt excited about life + started feeling gratitude + wonderment + joy around Noah again. I still remember the first moment I felt “joy” after 1.5 months of being in such a dark place… I started crying out of gratitude. It’s hard to admit this, but I barely felt joy around Noah for those 1.5 months — it was absolutely awful. I felt like such a bad mom because I was so low + couldn’t be there for him in the ways that I usually was.

#7] Nature heals! I felt so drawn to trees throughout all of this pregnancy + anytime I’d be in nature, I would feel a little bit more like myself. The aura of this baby is definitely forest green + FOREST was the first name that I was immediately drawn to as a first or middle name, whether the baby was a girl or boy. I very much had this knowing that this baby is going to be very earthy + love the forest, just like his dad.

#8] I had the strongest urge to cook! I literally cooked my first solo dinner in at least 3 years. Also it’s the first time I touched raw chicken in probably 10 years lol. Maybe this baby is a chef? It felt so exciting to be able to use my hands + be off my phone, doing something creative. It felt empowering + amazing. Have I cooked since then? No. lol, BUT — once we are out of the newborn stage, I think I would like to cook dinner 1x/week. To be continued…

#9] Finding out that 5 of my friends have a due date within 2 weeks of me was the sweetest surprise! I’m especially excited to be able to go through the newborn phase with them.

#10] I felt so bored of our apartment + wanted to completely change the vibe, wanted a whole new wardrobe, + hated living in Santa Monica. Did I do anything about these things? No… + thank God I didn’t lol. It was interesting because I talked to a clairvoyant about this + he reminded me that I have another baby’s soul inside of me right now… so I may be feeling their preferences! He encouraged me to not attach to any strong feelings right now [positive or negative] + instead to just let it ride out + see how I’m feeling later in pregnancy. All of those feeling subsided + I feel amazing in our apartment + in Santa Monica. A new wardrobe does sound nice though… lol.

#11] Being pregnant while having a toddler is… very different. I listened to a podcast + they talked about how being pregnant with your first is a “spa like experience” compared to your second + I can relate to this deeply. Going through first trimester with a toddler especially… oh my goodness. I feel so deeply grateful for Isaac that he showed up for Noah in such a big way when I couldn’t, while also caring for me. I cannot imagine doing this without him. Thank you Isaac ❤

When I read my journal entries from the first trimester [+ even reflecting/writing this now], this chapter feels like such an out of body experience. It truly doesn’t even feel like me… + I question, was it really that hard? Thankfully, I have Isaac to ground + tell me — yes, it was. If you’re going through the thick of first trimeter, know that you are not alone. You can feel so grateful to be pregnant AND feel so sick… + sick of being sick! Have lots of grace, kindness, + compassion for yourself. You got this, mama.

Love,
Elisabeth