The Fourth Trimester: What I’m Doing Differently As A Mama Of Two

I love the newborn period. Truly, I love love love it.

There’s nothing like it: The newfound love + awe swirling around my heart. Being totally content sitting in a nursing chair + breastfeeding around the clock. The slowness of each day… + having no clue [or care] what day of the week it is. How incredible a daily shower or bath feels. The luxury of doing nothing other than devoting myself completing to a tiny human that was growing in my belly for the past 9 months. The cuddles, the contact naps, the newborn smell, the cute little noises + expressions… all of it!

Sure, there’s little sleep, non-stop laundry, + excessive coffee [Isaac + I joke that the coffee grinder is the soundtrack to our life these days] — but there’s so much magic in this sweet + short season.

Prior to this newborn season, I was curious “how much” I was going to like going through the Fourth Trimester as a second-time mom. I loved Noah’s newborn period… but every month with Noah got better + better… so I was curious, am I going to like Gabriel’s newborn season “as much” as Noah’s?

Spoiler alert: I love it even more.

I know I’m a bit of an outlier here when I say that the newborn stage felt “easy” to me as a first time parent — I was very relaxed mama + just enjoyed family life so much. What was hard for me though was navigating the life-altering experience of becoming a mother. I found myself questioning a lot: Who am I now that I’m a mother? What do I want for myself + my family now that I’m a mother? I had a lot of big feelings + was unsure of what I actually wanted. I also was constantly emotional about Noah “growing up.” I would look through photos on my phone from the week before + cry about him getting older. I knew that we were in such a special season + I just wanted to freeze time.

This time around feels so much different…

For one, I’m not dealing with the existential question of Who am I now that I’m a mother? Ever since I found out about the word matresence a couple months ago, I have given myself permission to lean into the “becoming” of a mother. I love the mother I am becoming.

Secondly, I’m not dealing with the grief + nostalgia about Gabriel “growing up” because I know it gets better + better. Sure, I’d still love to freeze time — but I don’t have the overwhelming feeling of needing to document every single moment for fear of time slipping away from me. I am able to appreciate this absolutely beautiful season that we are in while having a full knowing that every season brings so much joy + beauty.

Lastly, I have a newborn + toddler… I have a daily tangible reminder that newborn life is simple. All a newborn needs is cuddles + diaper changes + to be fed. That’s it! It doesn’t stay this simple for long, so I’m enjoying the simplicity while it lasts!

17 Things I’m Doing Differently This Newborn Season

#1] I welcomed help. Even though newborn life is simple, it’s full on. Prior to having Gabriel, I hated the thought of being away from Noah for too long — however, I quickly realized that it was necessary to receive help for Noah, so that he was cared for + attended to… while allowing myself to fully rest + tend to myself + Gabriel. The first month of Gabriel’s life we had almost full time support for Noah from our family. The second month of Gabriel’s life, Isaac is taking Noah the majority of the time, + we are receiving help 2x/week for a few hours from a babysitter.

#2] I’m doing the First 60 Days, instead of the First 40 Days. I got this idea after my doula mentioned she wanted to do my Closing Of The Bones after 60 days, rather than the typical 40 because of the trauma of my birth story + allowing my body to have more time to heal.

If you haven’t heard of the First 40 Days, I highly recommend reading this book: “The First Forty Days: The Essential Art of Nourishing the New Mother” — it encourages a cocooning period for the first forty days: “a period of ‘confinement,’ in which the mother remains at home, focused on healing + bonding with her baby.”

One of the biggest “rules” for my first 60 days is no socializing. Instead, it’s all about going inward + completely focusing on family life. It was awesome to see how after 40 days, I started feeling the “itch” to see people… but, the additional 20 days is giving me a sense of pause to say, hey let’s stay here a bit longer + reflect on how to best integrate + step back into the world as a mama of two.

#3] Milk Moon. I’m obsessed with these tinctures + tonics. I swear I barely have any brain fog this time around… + I think it’s because of Milk Moon. It was wild because I “ran out” of Milk Moon at Week 6 + instantly started being very forgetful + Isaac was like… It’s time to order more Milk Moon. Once I started taking it again, my brain fog lifted!

#4] Shower every morning. With Noah, I literally forgot to wash my face for the first 5 days. This time around, I have showered every single morning, blowed dried my hair, + even sometimes put makeup on. Even though I am going nowhere, getting ready for the day + showering off my night sweats (which are lasting WAY longer this time around!) feels incredible to me.

#5] No social media. Literally, none. It’s been awhile since instagram was on my phone (wrote about my process here — #7), but I still engage with it — posting every so often + checking instagram on my computer. With Noah, I posted on instagram Day 2 of his life + was constantly on stories… I was just so excited to share about his home birth story + answer all the questions. I later had regrets on being on my phone so often in his beautiful newborn stage. I promised myself that for my second child, I would give myself more space to reflect inward before sharing outward. That promise, paired with everything I went through during Gabriel’s birth… interacting on social media is the last thing I want to do. Instead, I’ve been writing poetry, meditating, reading (The Fourth Trimester + Mama Rising), + just being… + it feels so, so good.

#6] Major phone boundaries. Besides being off social media, I also gave myself permission to not respond immediately to texts (this is hard for me to do!) + did not talk to anyone on the phone for the first month of Gabriel’s life. Instead of FaceTiming everyone + sharing my birth story like I did when Noah was broke, I wrote my birth story out + shared it with friends + family when I was ready. I am basically living phone free as much as possible (other than using my phone for photos, of course) + it has been life-giving.

*Related to this — I’m not on my phone at all while breastfeeding this time around. It’s a non-negotiable for me. I mourn for all the times I was on my phone in the early days while breastfeeding Noah… but now I know better. Breastfeeding is such a beautiful intimate experience + I want to be present to Gabriel for every single feed.

#7] Isaac + I sleep in separate beds. We literally started doing this as soon we got home from the hospital — I co-sleep with Gabriel, + Isaac has been sleeping in the guest bedroom. It started off with the intention of making sure Isaac got a good night’s sleep, so that his cup would be more full to be able to help me + Noah during the day as needed. We don’t need two of us getting broken sleep, especially with a rambunctious toddler.

It’s been really nice to “take up space” in our bed particularly while breastfeeding in the middle of the night. There’s also something so soothing about just being in the bed with Gabriel as a precious newborn… it feels incredibly connecting, even during the moments when I’m like “Can you give me a little more sleep please.” I could do without the early morning grunting though… if you know, you know lol. But, it’s all so fleeting!

A couple weeks into Gabriel’s life… Noah started getting up in the middle of the night from 1–4am wanting to cuddle Isaac. I think it may be how Noah’s coping with the transition, because prior to that he had been sleeping through the night for a couple months. We’ve been on quite the sleep journey with Noah, so we know that no phase lasts forever + he will eventually sleep through the night again, but understandably it’s been really tough for Isaac. Now we are both getting up throughout the night, but at different times, so sleeping in separate beds is still super helpful!

#8] Not going overboard on self-care. Don’t get me wrong, I love my self-care. With Noah, I worked with a postpartum doula, an acupuncturist, a chiropractor, + a massage therapist… all of them were in home appointments + I had 2–4 self-care appointments per week. It was all great, but it was too much. This time around, I only worked with a postpartum doula 1x a week + it was the perfect cadence.

#9] It took me 20 days to step outside. Honestly, I could have gone longer… but it was a beautiful sunny day + we had help with Noah, so I decided that “today was the day.” We got a blueberry muffin from Erewhon + set up a picnic blanket in the grass near our favorite hike in Santa Monica. It was such a sweet afternoon with Gabriel. I started incorporating walks relatively soon after + am gently getting back into pilates + light dumbbells after 8 weeks. I’m proud of myself for going at a slow pace that feels good to my body.

#10] Scheduling as little as possible. Aka = nothing! Besides the basics (midwife postpartum appointments + my postpartum doula 1x/week), I am scheduling nothing for 60 days. Nothing. It is glorious. It feels so spacious. An empty calendar! I am living life so, so slowly + really embracing the quiet life. The exception to this was a spontaneous trip to Florida to see my family that we planned 2 days before when Gabriel was 8 weeks. Prior to birthing Gabriel, we planned a trip to Ojai + Bali (lol yes, Bali!) at 2 months + 2.5 months, so I knew that we’d be “out in the world” after 60 days… so I’m savoring this cocooning season as much as possible.

#11] Read The Fourth Trimester. I devoured this book the first week of Gabriel’s life. It’s such a beautiful book + I highly, highly recommend. I also did her meditation series Healing From A Difficult Birth.

#12] Weekly therapist appointment with Isaac. Given our birth experience with Gabriel, we knew we’d need to go to the therapy together to process everything. We ended up only talking about the birth trauma for the first two session (although I’m sure it will come up again in future sessions) + it’s evolved to talking about parenting Noah, our relationship, + more. I feel so grateful that we have such an amazing therapist + for the container that allows us both to feel safe + seen.

#13] Not collecting breastmilk. I used the Haaka for a week or two, but honestly… it hurt my breasts (it never hurt when using it with Noah), so I stopped. I may regret not collecting much breastmilk later on, especially when he starts teething + I want to make breastmilk popsicles… but my hope is that if I want/need to collect breastmilk in the future, then I will be able to.

#14] So much sautéed spinach + swiss chard. It’s actually hilarious how much sautéed spinach + swiss chard I’m consuming lol. I’m surprised Isaac isn’t sick of it yet. I swear it’s making a huge difference in Gabriel’s digestion — there’s only been 1–2x when he had digestive pain + it was very clear that it was from green beans + roasted carrots… so now I make sure all veggies I eat are cooked to smithereens lol.

#15] Releasing my expectations. With Noah, I think I thought that if I “rested the First 40 Days” all would be well + I’d go back “to normal” (whatever that meant). Now, I know just how much things change in the first year of a child’s life + that it will take time to find my footing as a mama of two. I am in the season of becoming… + I am embracing that!

#16] Embracing my divine feminine wardrobe. Something similar happened when Noah was born + I instantly wanted to purge my entire closet. I’m really feeling the call to wear more dresses + jewelry!

#17] Despite so much broken sleep, I feel so energized + appreciative about life. Maybe I’m still on the newborn high? Maybe it’s all the good-feeling hormones swirling around me? Maybe it’s because of everything I went through during Gabriel’s birth experience? I’m not sure, but I truly feel so amazing. I love how this newborn time is bringing me straight back to my first experience as a mother… but through the lens of pure enjoyment. I’m savoring it all.

Thank you Gabriel for choosing me as your mama. I’m so grateful I get to go through the Fourth Trimester again — it’s my favorite season in the world + I truly feel like my best self. I’ll share an update on the Fourth Trimester once it’s over. : )

Reflection On The Fourth Trimester:

Oh my goodness, I can’t believe this sweet period is over. Gabriel is full on smiling + even laughing now! His personality is really starting to come in + Isaac has been constantly saying, “This boy has life force!” He’s a deep starer + has such a warm, calming presence to him. Every time he’s in my arms, I’m immediately flooded with so much peace.

I’m writing this in Bali (full Bali travel guide here) — we have officially “emerged” from our cocoon in full force. I’m so, so proud of how I spent my Fourth Trimester. It was a very quiet, inward time with my family spent cuddling, processing + just being. It was truly a DREAM. That first month especially was one of my favorite months of my life. I can’t fully put into words how incredible it felt to be able to get to go through the newborn season all over again. My heart was constantly leaping out of my chest + I just felt so elated.

I only have one “regret” (+ I’m giving myself a lot of grace about this ) — but I wish I would have carved out solo time with my firstborn Noah every day. He has been in a big “Dada” stage ever since this transition + I love that he goes to Isaac for everything… but if I’m being honest, it does break my mama’s heart a little bit. In a way, it feels like Isaac + I are single parenting — I’m full time taking care of Gabriel, + he’s full time taking care of Noah… which totally works + feels in flow for right now… but I miss Noah! Playing with Noah for even 15 minutes in an intentional way fills up my cup so much. I’m starting to become a lot more mindful of having “Noah + Mama’s time” every day + I’m interested to see what our flow looks like when we are back home. Again, I’m giving myself a lot of grace about this.

On the last day of my Fourth Trimester, I went to a yoga class + to my surprise — I started breaking down crying during savasana. It was the first time I felt so much sorrow about my birth experience + realized that I do not feel supported in the way that I want/need. My heart was so heavy that day, yet also filled with so much compassion — particularly for everyone who goes through something so tough + feels so alone because the world “moves on” while they’re still questioning what the heck happened. It was such an emotional release + I’m sure it won’t be the last one.

I absolutely love being a mama of two. I can’t believe I ever doubted my capacity to love. I am so, so in love with Gabriel + Noah + Isaac... “me boys!” as Noah says. I love being the queen of the house! It’s wild to think that this is just the beginning of such a beautiful journey. I’m in awe every day of motherhood… what a ride 💫

Love,
Elisabeth